a wretch like me

2008-05-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

I've decided to get a new blog name. gotta-keep-singing.blogspot.com was just getting too annoying to type, so I've made a new one.

dnalepocanna.blogspot.com

oh bother

2008-05-05T14:50:00.001-07:00

This post of Tersie's describes by exact situation.

Lately, I'm just feeling emotionally exhausted. Disconnected. Distant.

At least I'm not so deep in this crappy state that I can't talk about it with perspective. I am recognizing it, saying it's a problem, and that it will eventually end.

All I know is that something needs to change...and when something does (notice my abundance of patience), I'll write about it on this thing.

l o o k

2008-04-29T07:46:00.000-07:00

i am a girl of doubts.
lately i have actually doubted the realness of God's plan.
i have been bitter and angry.
pleading for God to just make ONE THING work out for me.

i went to see The Color Purple on sunday and everytime the cast sang "look what God has done", it was as if i were the only one in the room.
truly overwhelming.

look what God has done.

millions of things.
in my personal life, and in general--things i just get to look at and somehow be a part of.
people really do care about me.
i can have healthy relationships in my family.
i have endless opportunities to help people in my country.

life is so confusing and can be so unbelievably hurtful.
but look what God has done.

Oh, Shantytown.

2008-04-15T06:50:00.000-07:00

Of course there are happenings in my life that are much more worthy to blog about, but I am choosing to hold off on them for a while. I have found that blogging in the midst of crisis causes me to lack perspective. I will eventually blog about my aunt Joanie, my summer plans, my new thoughts about peace (not really a crisis), and of course, my amazing, amazing grandmother.

But for now, I have some thoughts about something on a somewhat lighter note. I really don't want to rant. I don't want anyone to remember me as a "ranter", so one of my goals for the current time is to set aside my soapboxes and learn when to shut up. So here is my attempt to speak politely about my issues with something I would normally angrily rant about:

Every year at SSU, student representatives from various clubs and organizations participate in "Shantytown". It's an all day/all night event to raise money for the local homeless shelter by and to raise awareness for the homeless in general. Students build their cardboard castles in front of Massie Hall, go to their classes and jobs, then sleep in the shelters they have created for the night.
In attempt to understand what it is like to be homeless, I suppose, they only eat what is donated by students and faculty on campus, and also "beg" for loose change from those.
The organization raised $800 or so, and I think the contribution to the shelter is fantastic. In my opinion, the simple fact that people from my university even bother is great. Really. I have no doubt that most of the students participating in this event have the best of intentions.

I do have negative feelings toward certain aspects of the event...how the students I have come in contact with have either boastful attitudes or an air of righteoussness and how if I were a homeless person and witnessed this I would be both offended and disgusted, but more importantly, I think, is this:

Is this really what we qualify as "reaching out"? Is that it?
I realize that not all, if any, of the students participating in the event are doing it because they are followers of Jesus.

But it seems that we have limited ourselves to our way too safe comfort zone. Like handing over a dollar cheesburger and a "God Bless!" earns us our Jesus points for the day.

I love the Message translation of Corinthians 13:3:
"If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."

BANKRUPT.

So what would it mean to not just give to, but to love the homeless in our communities?

I laughed out loud today when I thought about what could have been the equivalent for Shantytown in Jesus's time.
Jesus and his disciples roll in the dirt then gather in front of a temple with "UNCLEAN" written on their foreheads for Unclean Awareness.

despite life's stressors right now:

2008-03-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful for laughter.

You would think that after a while, I would get tired of Jordan's humor, but it seems I never stop laughing when he's around. He may be the funniest person I've ever met.
Today while I was in lecture, I started thinking about this stupid ritual he does when I'm leaving his house at night, and I lost it. As if the people in that class don't already think I'm a nutcase. He has been doing this stupid thing as he escorts me to the door for TWO YEARS, and I still almost pee my pants every time.

Also, there is something truly hilarious about potentially ruining someone's hair.
Here's what happens: these crazy girls trust me to color or cut their hair--something I am far from qualified to do. I ALWAYS talk them into doing something more drastic than they intended, and we ALWAYS just go for it.
And laugh so hard at the results.

I fear a day when I might not be able to have perspective and laugh at certain situations.

Book Review

2008-03-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

I finally finished Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love. The reviews of this book are pretty much 50/50--love it or hate it. I can't committ to either side. If you would have asked me when I was halfway through I would have said YES, absolutely LOVE it. There were parts I was disappointed with, like the ending. But I have to say the best parts made up for all the not-so-great parts.
There were parts in particular that I found brilliant.
One is when she's describing her depression and lonlieness, as it hits her even when she's in beautiful Rome:

"Depression and Loneliness track me down after about 10 days in Italy….They come upon me all silent and menacing like detectives, and they flank me. Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don’t need to show me their badges, I know these guys very well. We’ve been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now, though I admit I am surprised to meet then in this elegant Italian garden at dusk. This is no place they belong.
I say to them, “How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?”
Depression, always the wise guy, says, “What, you’re not happy to see us?”
“Go away”, I tell them.
Loneliness, the more sensitive cop says, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I might have to tail you the whole time you’re traveling. It’s my assignment.”
“I’d really rather you didn’t” I tell him.
He shrugs, almost apologetically, but only moves closer. Then, they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there.
Depression even confiscates my identity, but he always does that.
The Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread, because it always goes on for hours. He is polite, but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually.
He asked if I have any reason to be happy, that I know of.
He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again.
He asks, though we’ve been through this line of questions hundreds of times already, why I can’t keep relationships going…
He asks why exactly I think I deserve a vacation when I’ve made such a rubble of my life.
He asks why I think running away to Italy like a college kid will make me happy.
He asks where I think I’ll end up in my old age if I keep living this way.

I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness follows close behind me with his interrogation. I don’t even bother eating dinner; I don’t want them watching me. I don’t want to let them up the stairs to my apartment either, but I know Depression, and there’s no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to.
“It’s not fair for you to come here” I tell Depression, “I paid you off already. I served my time back in New York.”
But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table, and lights a cigar, filling the air with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully clothed, shoes and all.
He’s going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.

emotionally invested

2008-03-05T14:16:00.000-08:00

I was offended when my therapist/friend told me I wear my heart on my sleeve. Realizing that was, in my opinion, a negative label, she rephrased:
" You are emotionally invested."
Although this seemed more appropriate, I was still hesitant to accept.
Emotionally invested? How completely pansy is that?
Since then, I have been squinting my eyes every once in a while trying to convince myself that this could not possibly be true.

But it is so, so true.

In fact, I am emotionally invested in nearly every aspect of my life:
-I never just kind of like an artist, movie, or a musical.
-When I meet someone whom I find interesting, I want to be GREAT friends with them.
-If a song invades my soul, I want everyone else to experience it, even if it means attempting to sing it, humiliating myself at River Valley.
-A great book? I will read it over and over until it doesn't make me cry anymore.
-And words...I analyze, dissect, chew and rarely forget the things people say to me.
-I will forever be deeply scarred by hurtful relationships.

I emotionally invest. The most risky way to live.
Sometimes it hurts so bad.
But I don't think I wouldn't have it any other way. As cool as the aloof, don't-give-a-damn type of person looks on the surface, I can't imagine living that way.
I guess I am willing to take the risk.

It feels a little more like living.

as if what i say even matters...

2008-02-28T14:32:00.000-08:00

I am just so sad for us. For our country, for those who claim to be followers of Christ, and more, for those who don't.
I have realized this before, but today in particular all I can think is "We're ruining it".
Our God must be looking at us, his children, and weeping.

We are pathetically in a constant battle of rising above everyone else:

I am "more Christian" than you because I vote conservative.
I am "more Christian" than you because I am a [enter denomination here].
I am "more Christian" than you because I don't drink, smoke, or do any other "sinful" activity.
I am "more Christian" than you because my church attendance is up to par.

This list of lies goes on and on. Satan must be so proud.
Why does ANYONE think they're qualified to make assumptions like this?
No one comes out and says it, of course. But you know they're thinking it. They make it obvious.

We are ruining it.
When people hear "Christian", they cringe.
I cringe.

When I am at school, and someone mentions being Christian, it's like a toxic gas of awkwardness looms over the entire room making everyone terrified they will be choked with judgment.
It has become a club. That only the righteous and disciplined can enter. Anyone else is automatically on a lower level of being.
I don't know much, but I know that this isn't what Jesus wants. It can't be.

We need to be a community of people who are in this thing together, not in a constant battle of who is doing it better than the other.

Pathetic.

I am so, so sad for us.
I am so, so sorry, Lord. Help us now. Because we are ruining it.

2008-02-27T19:33:00.001-08:00

heal my heart and make it clean.
open up my eyes to the things unseen.
show me how to love like You have loved me.

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

books

2008-02-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

I been tagged.

I never thought I'd be a reader, but in the last few years of my life I have really found it to be a passion of mine.

1. One book that changed your life

Pretty much every book I have read has changed my life. But here are the ones that made me, like, freak out.
Jesus with Dirty Feet by Don Everts
Traveling Mercies by Anne Lammott
The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne
2. One book you’ve read more than once

I have read Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis three times. Once for a bible study, and I was so completely gullible the first time that I had to read it again to make sure I really loved it as much as I thought I did. The third time, just for good measure.

3. One book you’d want on a desert island

I would say the Bible, obviously. But let's just say I couldn't be so cliche...I would bring Eugene Peterson's Solo.

4. Two books that made you laugh

He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
Traveling Mercies by Anne Lammott

5. One book that made you cry
Jesus with Dirty Feet by Don Everts
This book started a revolution for me. Maybe the first book I read having anything to do with Christianity. It is incredibly simplistic and brief -- I was a pure mess after reading it.

Everybody Wants to go to Heaven but Nobody Wants to Die by David Crowder and Mike Hogan

6. One book you wish had been written

Not sure about this one.

7. One book you wish had never been written

8. One book you’re currently reading

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read

I am anxious to read Jesus For President by Shane Claiborne

cronometrare per la vita diversa

2008-02-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

It is amazing what can happen when one just disconnects for a weekend.

Lately I have really been evaluating perhaps not THE huge purpose in my life, but the smaller, more subtle purposes I know I am supposed to or just want to address at this time in my not so significant 20th year.
I have prayed for and begun to succeed in the disconnection from the petty and irrelevant dramatic situations in my life and really tried to focus on what I believe is important.
Highlighted "goals" in this mini-journey are these:

- learn to exude true hospitality
- learn to play the piano (at least so that I can say I am on the "beginner" level)
- learn to speak a reasonable amount of Italian*
- spend way more time in solitude

* I realize the Italian deal is so random, but here is why:

I am reading a book about a woman who, in a time of severe depression, decides to travel to three different countries to address three different things she believes are crucial to her making it. She travels to Italy to find ultimate pleasure, an Ashram in India for spiritual searching, and Indonesia to learn to balance the two. It is quickly making my Top Three list, and I will write more about the book later.
I have always loved the Italian language but never really saw a point in learning it. She addresses this exact thing, ending with "Since when does everything in life have to be strictly duty?". So, thank you Liz Gilbert. I am going to join you in learning and hopefully stick with it, unlike this diet.

I feel surprisingly refreshed though. A new desire for change.

restore to me

2008-02-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

on my way home from chillicothe tonight, i blasted this song as loud as it would go.

my prayer...

hide your face from my sin
and cover my iniquities
create in me a clean heart
and renew a right spirit within me

don't cast me away from your presence
don't take your spirit from me

restore to me the joy of your salvation
restore to me the wonder of your love

ayyyyyyyymen

nothing wrong with a little rant

2008-02-07T06:24:00.000-08:00

I was watching Mean Girls. And at the end they sort of conclude that Regina, the meanest girl, is really just mean because she has low self-esteem.
And that's it. Poor Regina.
Our society LOVES this.
I cannot count how many times I have heard "Well, she is probably just saying that because she is insecure"

Right....maybe.
But that's it? Off the hook?

Our society is obsessed with the idea of low self esteem. It is like the ultimate diagnosis.
But to a degree, EVERYONE has insecurities.
So isn't it safe to say that it's not really a legitimate excuse anymore?

I mean, sometimes I will be yelling at Jordan. And I am fully aware that my insecurity is what triggers it.
So I apologize.
I recognize that he is being penalized for MY issues.
What I did IS NOT OKAY; I don't care what anyone says.
Insecurity is the reason for my behavior, but it is certainly not an excuse.

It is so important to be compassionate. And forgiving. And to love people despite the way they treat you.
I love the idea of "turn the other cheek", and I am not suggesting otherwise.
But in most cases I just think the "low self-esteem" label is a total cop out.

People aren't held accountable anymore.
We are all spoiled brats.

Yep, I said it.

an important list

2008-02-03T19:40:00.000-08:00

things i learned today:

1) humility is essential in every hour of every day. i recognize the fact that i am a flawed and broken person and i have to try to apply this fact to every situation that comes my way.

2) everyone has expectations...for everyone. almost always impossible expectations. these should to be demolished...forever.

3) PMS is sometimes the equivalent of schizophrenia.

presentation=isolation ; revelation= real relationship

2008-01-28T16:21:00.000-08:00

down days. they're okay to have.

it is very important to me to be the fighter that i am.
i take pride in beating the odds and not becoming what is expected of me.
i take pride in rising above.
circumstances make it easy and even desirable for me to crumble sometimes
but grace that i will never understand holds me tight and forces me to overcome.

so, i do.
i just get through because that's all we can do.
this world is c r a z y and we just have to make it through.

i am so young.
i get it.
but i know what i know,
and as little as it may be, it gets me through.

i make it.
i wake up not so early and drink my coffee and get my therapy.
not the kind that costs money -- just the music in my car.
it seems to be just enough.
sometimes i nod my head in agreement with the lyrics -- what a dork.

i like to be silly and write about my favorite candy;
it is so important to be able to lighten up.

but if that's all i am remembered by, i haven't done it right.
i long to be a legend, like my uncle lewie.
in the most humble way possible -- the way he did it.

to love --to truly love-- simply, with my life.

"he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for
my power is made perfect in your weakness.'
...that is why i delight in
weaknesses,
in insults,
in hardships,
in persecutions,
in difficulties.
for when i am weak, then i am strong."

why diets are impossible for me.

2008-01-25T10:50:00.000-08:00

I am a sucker for fun candy. It is a rare occasion if I don't have some form of candy in my purse. Here are my all-time favorite candies:

Squeeze pops. Gooey liquid sugar in a tube. MMMMMMMM. Not the sour kind..the original.

SweeTarts Squeez. Sort of like the above healthy treat, but tastes like sweetarts. I especially like the cherry. There is actually an entire bulk order in just cherry! DELICIOUS.

Bubble Jug. A jug of powdered sugar and tiny balls of bubble gum. The powder dissolves in your mouth like salt in the ocean. MMMMMMMM.

Anyway, just thought I post a fun little blog about my fun little candy fetish.

Hopefully relevant to readers because of my fun little birthday February 15.

You can find these candies in bulk at candywarehouse.com

oh my gosh part 2

2008-01-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

what could be better than human tetris?

oh my gosh

2008-01-22T13:03:00.000-08:00

you have to watch it at least until the last competitor.

back to school

2008-01-15T06:44:00.000-08:00

It's going to be a tough semester.

Screenwriting. I'm actually the most excited and interested in this class. It is refreshing to be in a class of creative people. Most of them are stereotypically artsy, which could be a good thing, but most of the time this stereotype comes with arrogance. There is an obvious competition in the air: most artsy, most creative, most completely-out-there. Regardless, I am excited. Maybe I will be America's Next Top Screenwriter.

The other classes completely run together: Survey of American Lit, Contemporary British Lit, Intro to Lit. A LOT of reading. A LOT A LOT.

So I'm back in the swing of things I suppose...

let it go

2008-01-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

My sweet devotional forces me to read Leviticus--to be honest, a book I probably wouldn't get into otherwise.

In Lev. 16:20-30, this Aaron guy is instructed to lay his hands on a goat, confess all the sins of the people of Israel (talk about an ear-full..uhh, head-full) and this goat was sent into the wilderness.

I thought this was so cool.

It then gives these instructions:

Experience the feeling of transferring your sin to this animal.

In the section that gives you an idea of how to apply the passage to your life situation, it says this:

Quiet your mind and wait on God to show you situations in which you need to remember what you just did.

I just might have to get into this Old Testament stuff :)

how's that working out for you?

2008-01-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

The message hit it on the head this morning. Forgivness is so messy in my life. One of the main reasons for all the dysfunction. I'm not good at it.

"We don't want to know they have the power to hurt us."

Right.
So i get hurt and IGNORE.
They'll get the point.
They will SEE that I'm hurt. And evaluate themselves.
If I deal with it addressing the issue, they (and I) will know that they have the power to hurt me.
And in giving them that power, I become vulnerable.
I don't really do vulnerability.
So I'm sitting there thinking "Yeah, that's me. Tough shell."
then...

"HOW'S THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU?"

Just had to put that in there, Steven.

Well, it's not working out for me.
It makes things worse. It hurts worse.
And I just want to scream sometimes.

To be honest, Satan sometimes whispers that I deserve it. So this adds to my retreat.

The truth is that I don't deserve it.
And the "hurter" doesn't deserve my cold shoulder either.

What would it be like if now, after all of my ignoring, I finally set myself free?
It's a scary thing to think about.
But I feel very strongly that this particular thing is what God is calling me to do.
Calling everyone to do...

"But now, I want to lay out a far better way for you." 1 Corinthians 12:31

dramatic it may be..

2007-12-27T12:42:00.000-08:00

i officially hate the media.
maybe even generally the medium of television.
it makes me sick...brought me to tears today.

headline: apparently there is a frazzle about paris hilton not getting the multi-million dollar inheritance from grandpa.
same same same...

FOCUS, people.

i have one of those really old, dusty TVs.
it's SO out of here.

any takers?

another try at shallow

2007-12-26T09:34:00.000-08:00

i have so much to say. but i think i'll stick to something on a lighter note.
it was a great christmas, maybe the best ever. there were some people missing, but God certainly found a way to make up for it in a way.
i honestly think this is the first year the presents haven't been the primary thing on my mind.

as for something to blog about, i have been seeing a lot of "best of 2007" blogs around, so i think i'll shorten mine into one post. i think this will be really cool to look back on.

best movie: august rush

best song: "embracing accusation" shane and shane

best book: "sex god" rob bell

best devotional: "solo" eugene peterson

best christmas present: jordan got me tickets to "the color purple" in april with my broadway girls :)

best moment: probably last night when luke, danielle, jordan, and i were having a great talk.

best new friends: julie pekkala and julie evans. i love these women!

best dylan quote: "yeah! dats a gweat idea! i wike da way you fank."

best blog "i paint, then i think" by jaki good

dylan and worms

2007-12-19T07:50:00.000-08:00

"dylan, what do you want for christmas?" -jordan
"hmm, 'et me fank...worms." -dylan

couple days later...

(dylan is scratching his butt with mason's video game right before i hand it to him)

"dylan, why are you scratching your bottom with that?"
"cause i dot worms.."

this is one of the many "worms" references he comes up with.
what's the deal?
i don't even think he's ever seen a worm.

another cool thing:

a professor at Yale(i believe) decided to raise his boys as girls and his girls as boys. he gave the girls trucks to play with and the guys dolls. apparently he wanted to study the effects of learned and natural behaviors.

get this...

the girls decided to have a mommy and daddy truck.
the boys bended the dolls' legs and used them like guns.

Can you give me ONE LOGICAL reason to believe that God exists?

2007-12-10T14:55:00.000-08:00

I have been recently reading the posts from a Facebook group called "Can you give me ONE LOGICAL reason to believe that God exists?"
Sometimes things like this beat a good book.

Here was the thing that left me completely sad:
One guy posted

"I can give you a bunch of reasons why I know God exists, but here is my favorite one...
The written and spoken and language was developed by MAN. It is different, and we don't all understand each other.
But the emotional language, is the same all over the world. A smile means the same thing wherever you are. You can tell when someone is happy, sad, angry, anxious, or anything else, regardless of what country your are in or what spoken language is prevalent.
Our world is too complex, yet to logical, to think that it all happened by chance. I don't care what God you believe in, I believe we are here by intelligent design, the work of a creator... the work of God."

The sort of administrator of the group came back with this:

"Emotions are the results of synaptic cascades within the primitive limbic system... fear and aggression are mediated in the Amygdala... pleasure in the nucleus accumbens .
More sophisticated emotions have some neocortical involvement to be sure, but they are all there as evolutionary products, and contain within them no transcendental properties."

the process

2007-12-09T21:07:00.000-08:00

"He's just like the water, I ain't felt this way in years...
He's cleaning me, and He's purging me, and moving me around
He's bathing me, and He's claiming me, and moving me around"

-Lauryn Hill "Just Like the Water"

I know I seem obsessed, but her lyrics attack me.

I love this acceptance speech.
A celebrity, yet not afraid to be bold and talk about God in front of millions of people.

elemental

2007-12-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

Love one another.
Interesting that Jesus emphasizes such a seemingly impossible thing.
Love is something unfathomable to me.
I would say it's easy for me to love most people,
but is it love if it's easy?

I'm a follower of Jesus, and I can't even get down the one thing he emphasizes the most.
Not even close.

Taking a different direction...

People often tell me I'm wise for my age.
I shouldn't know the things I know about life.
So wrong. I know nothing.

There are things from my past (or present) that I'm entirely too immature to deal with.
I won't talk about it, I won't address it in any way.
Because at 20, I still feel too young to face things.

What I'm saying is that I'm scared and I'm a kid.
But if we're honest, aren't we all just that?
Scared little kids running around trying to pretend we've got this thing figured out?

We will ALL struggle with the elemental thing: love.
Christians or not, it's the peak of who we are, and we all suck at it.
But...recognizing it is not enough.

So.....TODAY.
I'm focusing on today. Anything else overwhelms me.
Today, how can I love Mary, the woman in my office who tells me I eat too much?
How can I love my sister, who so badly strives for my approval?
How can I love Jordan, who will inevitably give me a wet-willy one too many times?

So..for you, readers..
May you not necessarily be great at Love, but may you TODAY find a way to love when it's not so easy. Just once. A baby step in something possibly monumental.

shallow post

2007-11-20T06:28:00.001-08:00

There comes a time in this blog of mine that I just have to write a shallow post. Not so deep.
There also comes a time when I need to use proper grammar and punctuation.
So off I go...

I want to know what the stinkin' pilgrims were thinking. November? Way to close to December, which essentially makes Turkey Day just a 10lb roadblock to Christmas. Why couldn't they sail their little ship in February? Besides it containing the anniversary of my coming about, it's a pretty dull month.

I guess I could add the small detail that I've sort of decided what direction I want to take my life.
Currently, I am an English Humanities major with a teachers liscensure and a minor in music.
I've really only stuck with this because it's what I'm good at. Being an English teacher has always sounded like the most boring profession ever.
But recently, I've been thinking. I've been thinking about teachers I've had that have really left an impact on who I am:
Jodi Gillen.
Amy Bonifield.
Angie Pfeifer.
April Deacon.
And I've decided that your profession is what you make it out to be.
These were women who besides teaching me academic things, taught me things that will stick with me forever.
Jodi taught me respect. Honestly, she introduced me to it. She may have even thought I was respectful then, but I had no concept of it. I knew small life lessons in fourth grade because of her. She, again without knowing it, helped me through things that were happening at home in "small things done with great love."
Amy taught me it's okay to be silly, and that there's always a more interesting way to learn. She is who I imagine I would be most like as a teacher.
Angie played the biggest part in my love for reading. She taught about stories that capture you, stories that COMPLETELY related to my life in some way.
Now, April..now I'm crying. She taught me in so many ways to be me. To love my dorkiness. She is possibly the most passionate woman I know, and simply spending most of my time with her made me be passionate about things I never thought I would be passionate about.

To think that I could have the opportunity to have an impact on another person like these women have had an impact on me....miles beyond a blessing.

So that's the direction I'm going in for now.

Conclusion:
I suck at shallow.

dogville--a movie review

2007-11-13T13:15:00.000-08:00

seen it?
wow.
i'm certain it's been embedded in my memory forever.
brilliant symbolism.
highly disturbing, highly convicting, definitely a movie you feel, but provokes some intense thought.

anyway, here's a clip of the script:

Grace: So, I'm arrogant. I'm arrogant because l forgive people?

Boss: My God! Can't you see how condescending you are when you say that? You have this preconceived notion that nobody, listen, that nobody can possibly attain the same high ethical standards as you, so you exonerate them. I can not think of anything more arrogant than that.
You, my child, my dear child, you forgive others with excuses that you would never in the world permit for yourself.

Grace: Why shouldn't l be merciful? Why?

Boss: No, no, no You should, you should be merciful...when there is time to be merciful. But you must maintain your own standard. You owe them that.
The penalty you deserve for your transgressions, they deserve for their transgressions.

Grace: They are human beings.

Boss: Does every human being need to be accountable for their actions?

Grace: Of course they do.

Boss: But you don't even give them that chance. And that is extremely arrogant.

----------

i'm pretty obsessed with grace (not the character), so this movie threw me a little.

where's the line drawn when grace is taken advantage of? with us and with God.

man...

perhaps a part 2 later...

lauryn

2007-11-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

there are some artists that force their way into your soul.
i've talked about how much i love shane & shane. they are my source for musical worship almost always.

but then there's lauryn hill.
completely different level.
i listen to her and sometimes i just smile and shake my head.
how can one woman be so innovative and talented and extraordinary?

an author i like to read talks about how she doesn't go to church, she goes to broadway musicals.

i totally get that.

lauryn's voice is undeniably a God thing. something he created so perfectly and so beautifully.
he somehow made these noises coming out of this woman's mouth link to create the chills down my spine.
i wonder if she recognizes that. i wonder if she hears what i hear.

i stopped listening to lauryn for a while.
and tracy chapman, who often gives me the same chills.
i thought that part of the christian thing was to limit my self to music specifically sacred.
but there is something SO sacred about the perfect, sometimes scratchy pitches i hear from them.

now, musicals, even another level.
the magic.
stupid to try to put into words, really.

but, i get it.
it's an extraordinary God thing. i'm sure of it.

growing

2007-10-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

something i would almost closed-mindedley argue about is the fact that some things thats parts of "the church" try to justify as important and necessary, usually aren't. and are usually totally out of focus.
usually, or always, these things will stunt your growth.

the other day i was talking to one of my great friends. he told me about his struggle with his home church. we began talking about his church's traditions, specifically the "altar call". (i'm very "quotation friendly", aren't i?) how this tradition, in his particular situation, has really taken a negative toll on his walk. it was all about shame. the scenario went like this: the announced altar call music played. a person would begin to cry, feeling convicted for something. the power of the hymn would translate as jesus tugging on his heart and would require a walk up the aisle to the almighty block of wood (i added that as a joke). this struck a silent chaos in the congregation.
"oh...poor lost boy. wonder what he did."
then after service, he'd be flooded with the seemingly fake sympathy smiles. (mmm i know those).
so hammered into his head was that shame was at the root of being a jesus-follower. or more appropriately, a church-goer.

the crazy thing is that he, at my age, is already beginning to realize who jesus really is DESPITE his upbringing.
he was miraculously able to recognize that he wasn't growing anymore even though everything that jesus wasn't really about was being thrown in his face.

so he left.
so, if one is in a situation where they're no longer growing, do they leave?
is it a selfish form of giving up, or it a step in searching to find a way for them to grow to be more like jesus?
situational, i guess.

i guess where i'm getting is that at river valley, i am growing. slowly and in a rocky, extremely messy fashion.
but i feel like this particular path i'm on is drenched with the blessing of not being distracted as often as the devil would like me to.
sometimes, yes. but that's where the rockiness comes in.
for example, because of different circumstances, i have had to leave the service and grab the cd on the way out instead.
i listen to it in my car, and i love that. i feel like steve is talking to ME, it makes me apply the teachings to my life more intimately.
and sometimes i think people think i come to worship and bail for the important part.
sitting right here typing it makes me feel ridiculous and petty, but unfortunately that's the way the enemy works.
who cares. hardly anyone.
but the sad thing is, most of the time, probably someone.
we lose focus.
we use the energy we're given on the wrong things.

i think God has given me a glimpse of a gift of perspective. sometimes i handle the gift in the wrong way and come across apathetic. like i don't care about silly of-the-world things.

but i am clay. clay that is dripping with watery slip begging to be molded and shaped into a fraction of who my Potter wants me to be.
i am growing. i'm where i'm supposed to be.
even if that means here, in my dramatic, stale-smoke smelling home, in this small town i've always been, at shawnee state university. with my few, FEW friends. in my incredibly poorly heated bedroom,
i am warmed with the truth that i am where i'm supposed to be. for now.

yep, that's where i was going with it.

what are you so dressed up for?

2007-10-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

the pain this morning at about 6 am was almost too bearable for me.
if it weren't for jordan buying me sweet tarts and an unhealthy amount of midol, i think i would have stayed home today.

but the cutest thing happened when i got here.
i went into the bathroom and there was a girl standing in front of the mirror. she was putting on her thick, blue eyeshadow and pink, ultra shiny lip gloss. it was clear she didn't often wear such things, so i sort of smiled. she smiled at me and told me hi, and i said hi then awkwardly gave her a "okay, i'm going to pee now" look.
i wondered who was worth all that trouble. who she thought was so worth putting all that paint on her face. it reminded me of jr. high days. i would spend hours on my hair and make-up in hopes that someone would notice.

now i'm sitting here on my laptop and the girl just sat down next to a boy who happens to be her tutor. he's in a button-up shirt and khaki pants.
"what are you so dressed up for?" she said to him.
she smiles at everything he says and he nervously looks down while making silly jokes.
i catch her glancing down at her chest making sure she's plenty perky.
(something i see high school girls do almost a ridiculous amount).
i just want to shake her. i want to tell her how fabulous she is, and she doesn't have to do all that.
that someone loves her and her makeup doesn't matter. her cleavage doesn't matter (although it could be a potential bonus!)
does she really want a man (boy) that wants her because of that?
she needs love that i can't give her because i will probably never see her again. so i sit here and eavesdrop. and smile. and blog about her.
i love this. the way people are. i am fascinated with sociology.

purperos

2007-10-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

i know people often say "they're like family to me" pretty lightly, but the purperos really are to me.

it's all so corny sounding but there's nothing jordan and i would rather do than just hang out with his family.

jordan is my best friend. again, i know a lot of girls probably say that their boyfriend is their best friend but jordan really is. there is no pretense with us. he knows every bad thing and good thing about me. i never feel like i have to act a certain way around him, and i am ALWAYS myself. i never hesitate to say anything to him because i know even if i did act in a way that wasn't true to myself, he would know it's not me. and the same goes for the other way around. i know him on a different level, and he knows me that way too.

mindy is one of my people. i talk to her about things and i know she will always have advice and perspective. i trust her probably more than anyone else. and she's my friend. we have so much fun! about an hour ago, we did a hip-hop workout DVD and i almost peed my pants laughing.

ed is who is honest with me. especially if i have a problem with finances or anything life-goal related. he won't settle on telling me what i want to hear. he would lecture me for hours if he could, and not because he wants me to know that he knows stuff, but because he wants me to do better than he did...for my own good.

then there's luke. we've been through a lot. i'm so happy that through all the rough crap, we have remained best friends. he has taught me so much about expectations and to have a free-spirit. he is determined to be a man of god, and to not let satan prevent that. i miss him. he is away building up a strong tower for himself. most of all though, he represents hope for me. he teaches me that even rock bottom has hope, if you have let yourself have people who are willing to love you. really love you.

when i'm with the purperos (almost always) i feel at home. they care about things about me that i am sometimes amazed ANYONE would care about. they are interested in my well being and the bond they have is amazing.
they model the kind of family i am determined to have. far from perfect. far from it. but overflowing with love.

my people

2007-10-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

i used to not have my people.
i did things that i knew hurt other people, and no one was close enough to me to call me out or set me straight.

so i lived in luxurious denial.

seemingly perfect life really. i did some very selfish things and my pretending (and even convincing myself) that i wasn't doing anything i couldn't justify gave me an out. as long as i "didn't recognize" what i was doing was wrong, i constantly got away with it. people didn't believe me, but no one was close enough to me to let me know that.
i didn't let anyone close enough to me.
because that would require change and responsibility.
that crap grown-ups have to deal with.

but it eventually came and people who loved me forced me to step it up. step out of the dark, baggage-filled cave that is denial.
these people were SO jesus to me.
there is a lot of meek and mild in Jesus, but there's also a lot of mean and wild...and that's what i needed.
an wild intervention.
accountability...the real kind.
nothing superficial, nothing less than raw.
sometimes it's just a person, sometimes it's people...but to not have someone...i can't think of anything worse.

be someone's person.

shane & shane

2007-10-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

something about shane & shane reaches me more than any other artist.
perfect harmonies, brilliant lyrics, true worship.
here's a clip of them performing one of my favorites, "fringes"

great expectations

2007-10-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

from marty, marko, and probably many others' blogs...

"... real life is not college; real life is not high school. Here is a secret that no one has told you: Real life is junior high. The world that you’re about to enter is filled with junior high adolescent pettiness, pubescent rivalries, the insecurities of 13-year-olds, and the false bravado of 14-year-olds. 40 years from now, I guarantee it: You will still make a silly mistake every day. You will have temper tantrums and you’re feelings will be hurt for some trivial sleight. You’ll say something dumb at the wrong time. And you will wonder at least once a week, “Will I ever grow up?”

ahh, expectations...

when i was in 6th grade, i was focused on being an 8th grader. the way they so maturely hung out at recess, the fact that they got the entire year to plan every detail of the almighty 8th grade dance. they knew so much.
then i became one.
when i was an 8th grader, i was focused on being in high school. this level of education has to be the peak of existence!! homecoming? PROM? switching every class period? they knew so much.
then i became one.
when i was in high school, i was focused on being a senior.
then i became one.
when i was a senior, i was focused on being in college.
now i am.

for as long as i can remember, i have had expectations.
expectations of the next level.
each time i have reached this level of which i had thought of so high, my expectations are crushed.
no matter the people around me, i will always feel like i'm back in 6th grade. i will always be in that scenario.
my expectations will always be inaccurate.

and..(i thank my Father)...that's okay. that's o k a y .

so, today i am working on my expectations of twenty-somethings.
and thirty-somethings.

i guess the truth God is trying to tell me is that in the big picture, thirty-somethings don't really know much more than i do.
and i don't really know much more than a senior in high school..who could be waiting to be something like me.

and we all have them: expectations.
though almost entirely unavoidable, they are silly.
in all situations.

all situations.

messing me up

2007-10-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

jordan and i have been pathetically watching this over and over all day.
i can't stop replaying it in my head.
watch it all the way.
listen to the crowd.
it's what the angels do.
it's gotta be.

thank you, Jesus. thank you for pulling. and pulling. and pulling.
for me and for the ones i love so much.

keep pulling, we're fighting.

what the heck is wrong with me?

2007-09-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

Aunt Flo is in town, sister, and she's tearin' down the dam that's holdin' my tears back.

Last night at women's group, Jodi talked about depression. this word has been coming up a lot, actually, within the past couple of weeks in my life in a couple of different situations. All of it is sort of messing me up. Depression has, for as long as I can remember, been the destruction in my family. This is another post for another time.

Anyway, this morning, I woke up and my parents were sitting outside on the porch. I walked outside, sat down, and lost it. I began talking about one my of my best friends Luke, and how I hurt for him so much. I talked about my sister, and how I hurt for her. I told my mom and dad how much I hurt for them. I lost it! Not like me. At all. But it felt so good. My tear-duct dam has been shaking, waiting for someone (Aunt Flo) to take the sledge hammer to it, and r e l e a s e.

So, today, I encourage you. The last person (people) I thought I'd ever "let it out" to would be my parents. So I encourage you. Let it out. To someone. Let it out good.

nightmares

2007-09-22T03:08:00.000-07:00

scary movies make me have horrible nightmares. so here i am at a ridiculous hour awake and alert. and i am sure i have more vivid dreams than anyone. i think i actually feel the pain. i really cry. and laugh. and fight.

last night i was reading a book called The Voice of Matthew. it's basically the entire book of matthew in script format with Lauren Winner commentating certain parts. really good book. anyway, last night i was reading the part where God keeps coming into everyone's dreams. he comes to joseph a couple of times, then the wise men.

it made me wonder how vivid that was. was it like some image of God, or just a loud voice in a dream? or was it a situation to be interpreted as a message from God?

i found myself waking up in the middle of the night from my horrible nightmares and saying aloud "God, what makes them so special? come on! i want to have dreams of You!"

haha.

i'm sure an afternoon nap will do me just fine.

HEART..not vocal chords

2007-09-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

i can't sing, i really can't. you may disagree, but you've been fooled.

let me clarify.

i have had laryngitis for the past week. can't talk much. somehow i got it on a week where I would have to sing in front of people 3 times. God has a sense of humor, doesn't he?

anyway, sunday, after a painful shot of pure lemon juice and honey, i felt like it was okay. well, okay, i didn't really care. that's what's wrong with me. i freaked out from wednesday to sunday because i didn't think my voice would hack it. but the second i slipped my shoes off and sang the beautiful words of worship, i honestly couldn't have cared less whether anything was coming out on key. because i HAVE to sing with my heart. or i can't sing. i promise.

tuesday rolled around and my voice was even scratchier. i was worried until i got up there, took a breath, and sang while listening to about 30 women BEAUTIFULLY singing in my direction. i didn't care. it was okay. but it wouldn't have been if it was a celine dion pop hit. because i HAVE to be singing with my heart. fully. or i can't.

i have a wedding to sing at this weekend. caleb and i practiced tonight, and it was a joke. i just laughed at myself because i sounded like a moose (not sure why i used this audio example). forgive me brittany and steve, i don't know why you hired me.
musicals sounded okay because i was just being as silly as i could and i was just trying to make people laugh.
recitals: my voice is shaky and i want to faint.

but i have this theory that no matter who it is, when they are singing in true worship, they will sound beautiful to God. which is what matters. and i love that. i would MUCH rather someone behind me be singing with their heart, and nothing coming out of their mouths is on pitch, than someone who thinks they're the Kelly Clarkson of worship songs.

cake it on

2007-09-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

i put an extra amount of make up on today desperately trying to hide the raw emotion beneath it. caked on mascara and eyeliner in hopes to distract from the bloodshot, strained eyes underneath.

why do i--why do we--do this? it's a joke, really. everyone knows everyone has their junk. and we hide it?

sometimes i find myself hiding it from God, which is even funnier. it's like he knows. and i know he knows. and he knows i know he knows. and i still pray "god, thank you for what i have", and him and i know deep down i'm pissed for what i don't have. nothing materialistic, but what i'm not pleasing him with yet.

no matter how hard i try, people will always see the negative. people will always see what i'm not doing right. no matter what. i need to write that on my wall. and they're right. but it's okay that they're right.

wisdom is my goal. i am putting an estimate in when i'll get it and it's age 95. and since i'm so determined to get even an inkling of wisdom, i will go on a diet today so that i will make it to 95. yep.

2007-09-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

i love my brother so much. when he comes come it's like we are a family again. we all talk and laugh like nothing ever happened the day before.
i'm sure people see him as an arrogant wannabe, but i know him for who he really is. he is the stronghold of our family and my best friend. he truly would do anything for his family.

i'm not used to these short blogs, but i think i can stop here :)

embracing accusations

2007-09-10T06:26:00.001-07:00

musically this song wouldn't have been my favorite on shane and shane's new cd. but after hearing it along with shane's testimony at the concert, it's my new favorite song.

the scripture:
Galatians 3
(v10)"...for it is written: "Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the Book of the Law.

(v13)...but Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us..."

the lyrics:

father of lies, coming to steal, kill, and destroy all my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying, “cursed are the ones who can’t abide”

he’s right
halleluia, he’s right

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed, that I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies be telling the truth of God to me tonight?
That if the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine.
I hear him saying, “cursed are the ones who can’t abide”

The devil’s singing over me an age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray

Singing the first verse so conveniently over me
He’s forgotten the refrain.
JESUS SAVES!

satan whispers to me "cursed are the ones who can't abide" so convieniently everyday. telling me that i'll never be good enough and i'll never be any imitation of christ.
silly devil.
he's right!
i'll never be good enough...because i don't have to be. jesus died to save me from the curse.
wow.
i'll never be anything but in awe of this. humbled and overwhelmed.

get up. walk.

2007-09-07T06:33:00.000-07:00

"Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades.
Here a great number of disabled people used to lie —the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.
One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."

Then Jesus said to him, 'Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.'

i've been listening to a certain sermon (ha) on this passage lately. i'm really loving it.
this guy is lying there lame, Jesus learns that he has been in this condition for a long time and "do you want to get well?"

but do you?

because some of us (most of us) would rather stay in the state we are, wherever that is, than actually reach out and decide to get help or find out who Jesus is calling us to be. because that would involve HUGE change. a flip of the life. we hide in the drowning of our sorrows. we have the emotional maturity of a tween. because change is scary.

Jesus loves us way to much to let us stay there!!

but do you want to get well?

Jesus isn't going to drag anyone into heaven, he's not going to make us become emotionally mature. he doesn't have to.

the best part: Jesus challenges us like he challenged the lame man. he is saying to us,
"Get up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself stop blaming everyone else because they won't put you in the water. Grow up!Walk..."

i could feel sorry for myself. i could wake up, lie there by the water waiting for someone else to heal me from my despair. but everyday, Jesus intervenes. he says to me in a loud, clear voice "Get up. Walk." i praise him for that.

meek and mild? are you kidding?